The Mind is In/Out

I'm feeling as free as a bug in a matchbox in a small boy's pocket. I know sooner or later he'll take me out and show me off, or torture me, or transfer me to another prison perhaps. No option is appealing. If I were a bug, though, probably wouldn't think this way to begin with. I'd just BE. As far as researchers can tell, humans are the only creatures who anticipate and worry and conceptualize. We're the ones who wonder, "is this it? is this all there is?" and roll over in despair.
But we've adapted to this doom and gloom and developed the concept of hope to balance things out.
Yesterday was first day of class for the new semester at the local junior college. I'm a senior and the thought of classes at a junior college is a little daunting. I was 21st on the wait list for a bonehead English class and didn't make the cut and I want to review the last math class before getting tangled up in the mysteries of the next phase of algebra but the "computer" won't let me.
So I'm registered with no classes to attend, so far. Not sure now what the next step is. I could go to the math lab and talk to one of the tutors about reviewing the previous class, but that's not the same as actually taking a class. I feel badly about this because I keep trying to "go back to school" and it keeps on eluding me. The counselor I saw was in a hurry to catch her ride home and I was the last student in a long day for her, so she babbled and highlighted courses on several printed pages of information, which, let's face it, if I can't understand those, perhaps I've not got the stuff required to get a degree after all. It's depressing. I hate feeling this way and look for someone or something to blame, as if that would make me feel better, but it won't.
So I yesterday I took pleasure in a little retail therapy and bought a snazzy dress and some matching tights, a sweet Chinese painting and three kinds of tea from the eccentric German who runs his business like an old fashioned apothecary. I've got some anxiety and resentment and fear brewing, tax forms to deal with, filing, laundry. What I really want to do, is clear it all away and get out the water colors and paint for a spell, something I'm really behind on. But I probably won't because there's no room on the table at the moment, though will be later.
Can't rouse myself today, feeling disappointment, shame, envy, love the rain though. Miss my mother today. Feel as if I'd like to make a pot of tea and have a good old natter with her about nothing in particular.
So I'll just take a break now and do something mindless - that will be welcome - step away from the mind. Take no mind. Never mind. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Your mind is a bad neighborhood where you don't want to go by yourself. Monkey mind. Gimme cracked corn and I don't mind. Mind your manners. Mind your mother. It's going to be one of those days.