Darling

Prejudice, contempt prior to investigation is a blight I want out of my life. I didn't fully realize how tarnished my joy had become by this insidious and corrosive attitude until something happened yesterday and I woke up.

It began years ago when I overheard my parents talk about "them" and I learned about "us and them". We, of course were always better than "them". "They" were responsible for all the suffering in the world and "we" were the victims. "They" incorporated a long list of aggressors and general villains such as "the government", "modern medicine", "the Tory party", "the rich", "landlords", "the English". There were others but I can't recall the whole list now. What is the most important realization for me today is that prejudice is a learned attitude, along with its uglier big brother, contempt. Contempt has stalked my unconscious mind as closely as my own shadow is attached to my feet.

What I heard yesterday, jumped from the speaker's lips into my deepest hiding spot, wherever that is, and jolted me for the next two hours. A guest on a tv show was describing how a child, in order to show love for a parent and elicit love and approval from a parent in return will mimic the parent's behavior and attitude in the belief that "if I'm just like my mommy/daddy then I will be loved and they will feel loved". And so it is I began to recognize the ways in which I still mimic my parents, bless them. I know they spoke what was truthful for them, believing that the suffering of the world is caused by specific individuals and groups, and there may be much truth in some of that. The villains may change their spots and my opinion about who's a villain is also subject to change and if something is subject to change, it cannot be held to be an absolute truth. What is worse, however, is the teaching of contempt for anyone or anything. I was taught to be kind and tolerant of only certain groups, the "Us" and stand up and fight against the others, "them", those in power who were abusive and insensitive to the needs of others. Now, I am glad to know that there are times when one must do this important work, taking up arms if necessary and perhaps there is such a thing as The Good Fight or a Just War. History can argue those points better than I. But I am very sorry that I have suffered for so long by holding an attitude of contempt because I have held myself in contempt for some time now over things done and things left undone. And it is no way to live. It is a painful and cruel way to treat anyone. So, as an act of love towards myself today I am going to call myself Darling all day, and tell myself nice things, praise myself for all the extra effort and accomplishments that I will make today. I'm already looking forward to the new me. But first, take a little nap darling, you look tired.