The Balking Two-step

There's a long form due to be filled out and I'm balking at clearing the kitchen table and converting it to a desk space so I can get to it. I hate doing both: filling out government agency forms and converting the dining table to a desk. So I'm writing instead. When I've finished writing, I'll make myself a chocolate sandwich for lunch. Then I might take a nap, though I should take a walk. So now I'm shoulding on myself and this will call for more chocolate. You see where this is leading. No place good.

Under this balking lurks the ugly fear that if I make a single mistake on that form, my daughter's subsidized housing benefit will in some way be jeopardized and it'll all be MY fault. Fingers pointed in one's own direction are way sharper than those aimed at the other guys. So does this really mean that I'm just chicken-shit about acting responsibly and am a secret perfectionist to boot? I may never know and maybe I can't be bothered to know. Ok. Now you can add lazy to the list you might be keeping of my faults. Well, stuff your list into a sandwich for all I care.

Writing is something I can't stop myself from doing. It's also something I balk at because I'm afraid what I write is basically just rubbish, a waste of time to either think about, read or write about in the first place. I'm caught in the impulsive two step where I hardly go anywhere except around in a circle. I should add some music and just twirl myself out of it. But that involves choosing a style of music 'cos I'll get a little off track if it's the wrong type: blues will have me fantasizing about love and sorrow, and this is, frankly, not a good time for any of that; swing might trigger a weeping fit over my recently departed sax playing daddy and yesterday was the first Fathers' Day since his memorial a couple of months ago; that leaves rock, which leads back to my teens and early years in Japan as a pampered corporate fatcat's wife, ok, not good memories either. So never mind the music and dance part.

That leaves just sitting around with a cup of tea, taking a break, "just chill" as Larry puts it. Ok, ok. So write first, then chill with a cup of tea, skip the chocolate sandwich in favor of a tuna salad after I fill out the form. Stay tuned.