Just between us

Keeping up the semblance of family unity and being "true to oneself" can make for a tricky juggle. I'm easily offended, known to hold strong opinions and not shy about sharing them either. But that's a burden and I'm ready to set it down.

There's a laundry list of old family grievances I'd like to dispense with without having to sharpen my hatchet first and I'm questioning the wisdom behind the notion that if we just let it all hang out there, confront the offenders, healing magically happens and we're all nicey nice afterwards.

We had lunch with some out of town family members recently and despite an undercurrent of grudges on my part, the experience was full of laughter and lightness. Afterwards, we visited my daughter's ceramics class where she excitedly demonstrated the various stages of production in her current line of gorgeous serving plates. She was doing her best to talk and roll clay at the same time and the clay was suffering. The elders in the group noticed this and sat on our impulse to point out areas of the process where things needed adjustment, leaving this to the teacher. The younger members of the group were not so taciturn and with good humor told my daughter where they thought she needed to adjust the clay. Perhaps because she was so delighted to finally be the center of attention after the lunch during which she ate mostly in silence, she didn't take offense in the same way I know she would have had I been the person to suggest tweaking the clay here and there.

There's just something different about a Mother making a comment and anyone else's doing the same. That's a big pill for a mother to swallow: our opinions and ideas are NOT welcome after a certain age, no matter what muddle the adult child seems to be mired in. We have to wait to be asked and that's bloody hard for someone with my impulses.

So I thought again today about the old family grudge list and how the absence of bringing it up during the lunch and class was such a blessing. What helped was to be honest and speak up to a couple of friends about the grudges and my desire to let them go. These lovely ladies just listened and shared their wisdom about the grudges and completely supported me in my desire to be a peace maker instead of my usual sh-t stirring role. Somehow this diffused the energy and my intention to contribute to a loving experience with the relatives was completely and effortlessly realized.

While it's true that speaking up is important, I believe it's much more important where and how we do the speaking. Right motive, right time, right place and right speech. We cannot get through these tricky patches without trusted confidantes and I had a couple at the right time. Thank you darlings, you know who you are. And for anyone who doesn't yet have a couple of closed-mouthed trusted buddies of any age, go forth and seek ! You shall be richly rewarded.