Asking for Advice? Shut up and listen !

This morning, I confessed to a good friend that I was having difficulty asking for support with my, gag, gasp, strangle, e...e....ex....exercise program. I could hardly rasp out the e word. It's a touchy subject with me. I am so filled with resistance, resentment and ridiculous arguments that I'm worn out before I've changed out of my jammies.

I was sitting on the sofa, talking on the phone with this good friend, who's the type who gets up at 5am to go to the gym (notice how that rhymes handily with grim?) when I realized, too late, that this is the wrong type of person, friend or not, to have confessed to. Before I had a chance to whine about exactly why I was resisting, thereby postponing the arrival of the moment when I would actually move anything apart from my mouth, she was streaking ahead with a plan on resistance training and its importance for women our age. I started to say, yes, resistance actually IS the problem, but she burbled on about buying stretchy bands, and how many reps and what is the best position... and well, you may imagine where my mind went, because I can't remember most of what she said. I started to suspect that she wasn't really listening to what I was really asking for. I wanted support not advice on what program to use. Support means to me that I tell you what I'm struggling with and then you ask how exactly I'd like the support, and then I tell you, then you actually do it. Right? Apparently not.

I brought the same subject up to my sweetie, and told him that I was having trouble asking for support for something, without saying what that something was. I said I was struggling with asking because I was afraid people would say yes, then resent doing it and our relationship would somehow be affected negatively, or they'd say yes then forget to do it, or worse, talk me out of needing their support by telling me it wasn't their responsibility to do for me what I should be doing for myself. All of these things have in fact happened before and I just don't want to go through it again. His response was along the lines of the responsibility thing. We ended up arguing a bit and I'd like to think he changed his mind, as I explained further that if it was something I could have handled by myself I wouldn't still be struggling with it. Anyhow, it got complicated.

Another response (aka slap on the wrist) from the fitness freak friend was a reminder that if I expect negative results, that's what I'm going to get. Right, that's why I'm afraid to ask, because of all the negative experiences I've already had. Does this mean I should ask other people, get new friends and family? Or just shut up and listen?

It's becoming clear, that if I make a request, others are obviously going to interpret it a certain way, most likely one that differs from my original intention. So I'll just have to shut up and listen to them. Doesn't mean I'll be doing what they say though. It'll just be a way of maintaining relationship with that person, and realizing we have completely different ideas about what I mean by support.

So, here's exactly what I want: someone to just ask me in a funny, or gentle and loving way whether or not I made time to dance in my nightie in the living room today? That's my chosen aerobic activity, by the way, because I can do it easily and it's fun and it's a start. If it isn't fun, I just won't do it, period. The stretching and pulling thing will be nice to add later, when I'm on a bit of an endorphin high from panting through a hot salsa number, but for now I just want to be the twirl girl and I'd like anyone who cares about me to check in about it, regularly. I suppose I am really asking for a demonstration of caring about what I'm doing, whether it's exercise or not. Bingo, methinks. Pause for blushing and hanging of shameful head.

Now I'm also seriously reviewing how I give support to others, when they ask me. Do I listen carefully? Do I take the trouble to ask them what exactly I can do or say that would be helpful?
Or am I going to run ahead with my own agenda, having diagnosed their problem and decided what they should do about it? Ouch.